I'm human

Everyone has a secret. Something they have kept hidden for a long time, possibly years. They are afraid to share it, even with the person closest to them. Maybe if they know, they won't love them anymore. So we keep a dark part of us hidden. Lying to keep ourselves unexposed. Maybe not lying, just leaving out part of our story.

I have a secret. It hurts to keep it in all the time, but I don't know how to share it. I know that those who love me will never stop, even if I told them my secret. I just can't take the disappointment.

I struggle.

I struggle alot.

I struggle with lust. I lust after people I have never met, and people I know fairly well. I read provocative stories, lusting after fictitious character. Some people don't believe there is anything wrong with that. It is natural. I don't agree. Every time I do it, I feel good for awhile, then extremely guilty, like I am betraying someone. I am, my future husband. Whenever I meet him, fall in love with him, how do I tell him that I could not wait. That I lusted over so many before him. I know it will hurt him. So many times I have vowed to stop, but I always come back again.

I struggle with moving, with keeping hope. I feel so depressed sometimes, I never want to wake up again. I don't know what to do.

I have always tried to keep a journal. I started my sixth one a month ago, but I stopped writing in it for the most part. I'm afraid someone will read it, but at the same time, I want someone to, desperately.

I'm starting this online journal, so that I can keep my secrets from my loved ones (until I'm ready to share with them), but yet, share my heart with someone. With you. With all of you who struggle. You who struggle with lust, depression, addictions, jealousy, hate, anything.

I want to share my heart with you.

You can share your heart with me.



Love Always,
The Infamous Lyla